in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
