i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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