She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
