The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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