I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize