but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
