If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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