i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
