FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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