The maid of honor just puked.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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