Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
