I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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