I wish I could teleport
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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