The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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