and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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