your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This baby is an asshole
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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