we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
