genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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