Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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