i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
