Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
