it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
