My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
