Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
