Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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