blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Text me some of your sweat
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