btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
