Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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