Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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