I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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