it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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