before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
