Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dick very happy bro
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
