where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize