you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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