New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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