Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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