Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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