This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
