I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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