i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
