At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize