it hurts more in the daytime
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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