The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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