Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
