ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
