We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
