does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
