My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i wish my penis had a tongue
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
