I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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