So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
