I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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