Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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