i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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