you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
