i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
