I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize